Reflections on Grief

It has been a good long while since I have written anything for this blog. Between school, field education, work, graduation, dating, and dealing with grief, this has been a tremendously complex season in my life.

The most difficult moment of this season occurred on March 3, 2017, when my boyfriend, Sham, died. These past few months have been extremely painful and filled with loneliness, beauty, despair, suffering, hope, rare kindness, and much more than I have even been able to process yet.

However, in the midst of my grief, I have tried to write. At first, it was excruciatingly painful to write. But thanks to finals, I had to do a lot of writing and fortunately, I had professors who provided me some space to integrate my grief into my writing.

As I move beyond finals, I have found myself writing as a form of healing. Below you will find one of my pieces about my grieving process.

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Grief,

It comes in waves.

From day one, they told me about the waves

They said that I just had to ride the waves

They said the grief would come in waves

And they were right

It does indeed come in waves.

At first it was like a tsunami that came to destroy all that I knew and loved

Roaring and crashing through my being, I wept and I wept

Boxes of tissue later I wondered if any more tears could come

But come they did

Yet, I still tried to pretend like everything was normal

You see, it was too much

Too much to survey the destruction in my soul after that fatal phone call

I couldn’t do it

Time stood still.

What would I do?

How would I do?

How could I do?

What was the point?

The days dragged along

They still came

The nights were long and lonely

My thoughts raced with anxiety and fear

Was it real?

Were you real?

Were we real?

The waves crashed and roared

Therapy, pastoral counseling, journaling, long phone calls, wine with friends, and weeping alone

This became life

And as for the waves, they began to become familiar

The great sadness was becoming almost normal

But the grief was exhausting

And then there came a day when the water was calm

The waves seemed to stop

And then when I least expected it, another great wave crashed over me

Weeping came again

It was as if you left me all over again

My heart was broken anew

And now I am remembering

Remembering the pain

Remembering your face

Remembering the touch of your hand on my face

Seeing you lying in the casket lifeless

Your face cold

Your hands no longer warm in mine

What could I do?

How could I do?

You’re gone, you’re gone, you’re gone

He is gone, he is gone, he is gone.

But now I know

Now I know that the water will calm down again

And now I know that there will be more waves

But it’s okay that there are waves

Because nothing can ever take away our story together

Nothing and no one can ever take away our love

It remains in my heart

You remain in my heart

And until the next wave comes, I will remain grateful for you and for our love.